Recovery

My eating disorder began when I was 13 years old. I was able to keep it mostly hidden until after college, but it was there from age 13. Loudly at times. Quieter at other times. People discovered it here and there but I made excuses, promised I’d get help… whatever I needed to do to get them to leave me alone and forget about it. I didn’t think I needed help—I couldn’t possibly have an eating disorder.

Oh, but I did. Its grip was on me and the longer it [I] went unnoticed, the deeper the grip. That’s what they do. The longer they are kept secret, the more they grow. Until that one day that became the last day – the last day I kept food down. It was one day in February 2003. I entered my first treatment center in March of 2004. I had not kept food down in over a year. I was no longer Elizabeth. My eating disorder had become my life. My identity. All I knew- all I was.

When an eating disorder gets to this point, it becomes much more difficult to recover. I spent the next 10 years in and out of treatment centers. I was so covered—layer after layer—that it took years to peel back those layers and reveal “me” again. Even in my early recovery, I still felt like it was my identity. I went from the girl with the eating disorder to the girl in recovery from an eating disorder.

It is no more. I have wholeheartedly settled into my identity as a child of God. Wholly and fully loved by Him. Still broken, yes. Still somewhat socially awkward, yes. Still insecure at times, yes. But so incredibly aware of how much He loves …. even me.  So incredibly aware that He is the only One who can fill – the only One who can heal.

Eating disorders are never actually about food. I didn’t have an eating problem; I had a living problem. A relationship problem. An identity problem. I didn’t know who—Whose—I was.  It manifested in my relationship with food. Many women have a complicated relationship with food, even if it doesn’t meet the criteria for an eating disorder. Hunger is primal. Intimate. Food is filling. Restricting food creates emptiness. Women show love by feeding our families therefore food can symbolize love. Our culture shows love to those who are thin therefore restricting food can lead to being loved. We live in a culture where food and diet have become a moral issue. You are good if you eat “good” food, bad if you eat “bad” food. It is all so entangled! Untangling all of this takes so much courage, honesty, and commitment. But it is possible. If you struggle with food on any level, I promise you there is hope and recovery is possible!

Galatians 5:1 says “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”

I was enslaved to food and my weight for over 20 years. Half of my life! I sat in treatment centers for 10 years believing that if I made it out alive, He would use my story. He led me out of the wilderness -- mine is a story of His faithfulness. His provision. His love. One more story of how He leaves the 99. I can’t wait to tell you more.