Loneliness

I sat with a client this morning as she was processing through a breakup. As she was feeling all the feelings. The sadness, the regret… the loneliness. Oh, the loneliness. 

I don’t know any pain greater than the pain of loneliness. I think we downplay it. Cover it. Pretend it. Surround it. Fill it. Starve it. 

I think we can be deeply lonely surrounded by people with a smile on our faces. I think we can be deeply lonely sitting in a pew at church on Sunday mornings. 

And I believe that loneliness is actually at the very core of most mental health problems. I know it’s at the core of addictions. We will do anything to numb the feeling of loneliness. It is just that painful. 

So I sat with her—this client. I sat with her as she came up with all sorts of ways to “fix” her loneliness. I sat with her as she came back to tears each time she realized that none of these great ideas would, in fact, “fix” her loneliness. 

Oh, we can all fix our loneliness for a little while. Food, starvation, alcohol, drugs, work…. Engaging in addictive behavior can give us a sense of comfort for awhile. But it doesn’t last. That’s why they become addictions. The loneliest I have ever been was at the height of my eating disorder. I’ve often thought of how thinness was my obsession—it is what I was seeking above all else. It was what I wanted to show the world. And yet I have no pictures from the time period that I was at my lowest (sickest) weight. Not one picture. Because reality is the thinner I got, the more isolated and alone I became. How would I have pictures? I was alone. 

The irony of addiction is that we seek the behavior as a way to assuage the loneliness. And what it actually does is create isolation and utter loneliness. The addiction becomes the primary relationship. There can be no other relationships when one is addicted. We can—and do-- pretend, but they are not real. 

Authentic connection requires us to be seen. Addictions cover us. We feel so ashamed of the behaviors – the very ones we said we would never do again—we feel more isolated, even lonelier than before. We seek comfort. We can’t find comfort because we do not know how to be in relationship and so then we seek the addictive behavior again. Repeat. 

Relationships replace eating disorders [insert any addiction here]. This is a common phrase. But I don’t buy it—its deeper. Relationship with Jesus Christ heals the deep loneliness that is at the core of all eating disorders. Understanding Whose I am heals the emptiness within. Jesus fills. Jesus fixes. There is no other way. 

I sought help for my eating disorder for many many years. I was in and out of treatment centers—the best in the country—for over 10 years. I saw therapist after therapist. I just knew that one of these people, one of these modalities… a little more awareness, one more affirmation would do it! Guess what? They didn’t. 

Now don’t get me wrong—counseling is GOOD. I am a counselor! I believe in counseling with my whole heart. But it will not fix you. The best counselor understands this and will point you to the Only One who can. 

I eventually began to seek Jesus in the loneliness. I met Him there—I still meet Him there. Deep loneliness is painful. Brutal. And some of the sweetest moments of my relationship with Jesus have been in those brutal, painful spots calling out and trusting that I am His.